Do you ever feel like you’re constantly drained, emotionally on edge, and struggling to meet your needs?
You might be dealing with a leaky bucket: poor personal boundaries.
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, ranging from loose to rigid, with healthy parameters often falling somewhere in between.
Poor personal boundaries are a two-way street.
Either people are trampling through them and taking advantage of you, or you are doing it to others.
What Are Personal Boundaries?
Our boundaries come from our profound, connected truth. Our grounded sense of what’s important to us and our needs.
Personal parameters are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. People with healthy barriers can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
People with weak personal barriers can’t say no without feeling fear, guilt, or shame.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, made fun of, taken advantage of, or sapped of our good nature and drained of our positivity, wisdom, and support.
Healthy personal barriers include taking responsibility for your actions, emotions, wants and needs while not taking responsibility for the actions, emotions, wants, and needs of others.
Some people are givers by nature. If you feel a friend or colleague is doing too much for you, stop or limit it. Also, ensure you are not overstepping someone else’s personal parameters.
Poor Personal Boundaries Warning Signs
Boundaries are not walls; they’re healthy guidelines that define where you end and others begin. They protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being.
But when these personal barriers are weak or nonexistent, it’s like having a hole in your metaphorical bucket – everything you pour in leaks out, leaving you depleted and vulnerable.
So, how do you know if your bucket has sprung a leak? Here are some warning signs:
- You struggle to say no: People-pleasing is your middle name, and taking on everyone else’s burdens feels like the default setting. Saying no feels like a betrayal, even when it’s essential for your well-being.
- Your schedule is a tangled mess: Parameters between work and personal life are blurred. You answer emails at midnight, take calls on family outings, and constantly feel the pressure of “always being available.”
- You feel resentful and manipulated: You feel taken advantage of, used, or manipulated by others. Resentment builds as you constantly give without receiving, and frustration simmers beneath the surface.
- You feel responsible for everyone’s emotions: You’re the emotional sponge, soaking up the negativity and stress of those around you. You take on their burdens as your own, leading to emotional exhaustion and burnout.
- Your priorities are a mystery: You struggle to identify your own needs and desires, often putting them on the back burner to accommodate others. Your sense of self feels blurry, overshadowed by the needs of those around you.
- You feel drained and overwhelmed: Constantly giving without replenishing leaves you emotionally and physically exhausted. Simple tasks become difficult, and your personal life suffers from perpetual depletion.
- You feel like you’re in a one-sided relationship: Whether with friends, family, or romantic partners, the give-and-take feels imbalanced. You’re the giver, the fixer, the emotional caretaker, while others seem to take without return.
- You experience physical symptoms: Stress from poor personal parameters can manifest in physical ways, like headaches, fatigue, digestive issues, and even weakened immunity. Your body is signaling it’s time to listen and prioritize your well-being.
21 Signs You Have Poor Personal Boundaries
- Can’t make decisions
- People pleasing
- Excessive fatigue
- Endless guilt about small things
- A lost sense of self – absorbing others’ lives/identities or becoming their jobs.
- Priorities excessively geared toward others lead to exhaustion.
- Oversharing (Subconscious way to get validation or sympathy from others)
- Resentment toward partner’s personal barriers
- Passive aggressiveness
- Overextend oneself – Fear of rejection or abandonment.
- Going against personal values or rights to please others
- Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving
- Take as much as you can for the sake of taking.
- Letting others define you
- Believing others can anticipate your needs.
- Expecting others to fill your needs automatically
- Feeling bad when you say no
- You do not notice when someone invades your space.
- Not speaking up when you are treated poorly.
- Falling apart so someone can take care of you
- Falling “in love” with someone you barely know or who reaches out to you
Yes and No
What are you saying “yes” to, and what are you saying “no” to?
When you hear “boundary,” you may imagine a physical line or barrier. People who struggle with their limits often have difficulty seeing their internal value.
They prioritize others over themselves. The most common example of lacking the ability to respect oneself is having trouble saying “no” to others.
The importance of personal barriers is to limit stress in your life. Yes, boundary setting is brief stress, but not building, maintaining, and enforcing them becomes chronic stress.
Examples of Poor Personal Boundaries
Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. When you understand how to set and maintain them, you can avoid the feelings of resentment, disappointment, and anger that build up when you have weak parameters.
Why You Have Weak Barriers Around Yourself
Somewhere along the way, we learned to anticipate everyone’s needs; to be exceedingly responsible and be of constant service to others was virtuous; disappointing others meant we did something wrong.
The pain you feel when you want to say no to someone’s request is what is stopping you. Boundary setting releases emotions.
Regarding people reacting to your limits, it’s helpful to remember that it’s not your responsibility to relieve uncomfortable emotions in others.
It’s challenging to be present in that discomfort, especially when you’re a caring, empathetic person, but ultimately, they have to deal with their emotions for personal growth.
You may fear feeling disconnected from others and alone if your barriers are too strong. But without limits, you feel disconnected from yourself.
If someone reacts negatively towards you by saying “no,” it reflects who they are, not you.
Setting parameters and saying no shouldn’t be a problem. So, why is it so difficult for you?
Codependency & Boundaries
Due to childhood conditioning, many people believe they have to earn love from others. Codependency is another factor.
Codependent people have an insatiable thirst for love and approval from others. Most go into every relationship hoping their partner will love and validate them unconditionally.
Codependency is when we live through others; we can only find inner peace when those next to us feel good.
People who want a healthy relationship with you and care about your well-being will not get angry when you set barriers or learn how to get over them.
People who love you don’t want to impose on you, hurt you, or make you uncomfortable—they will be grateful if you help them understand how to behave toward you.
It’s never too late to learn to love and validate yourself. When you enter relationships, you won’t be excessively thirsting for love and approval from others.
Self-love can be learned. Start with eating right, exercising, and getting a good night’s sleep. Next, purge toxic habits like drinking alcohol, eating processed garbage, and cutting ties with unhealthy relationships.
Another aspect of self-love is understanding your shadow. Your shadow is the unhealed parts of yourself that sabotage your attempts to change.
How to Set Personal Boundaries
Ideally, we would live in a world where we don’t have to set barriers with people because everyone knows how to honor and respect each other. Unfortunately, we are human and not robots, so we have set parameters for what we want and don’t want.
The most significant emotional obstacle people face in the setting is the feeling of guilt, an emotion that tells us they did something terrible.
First, I would start by writing out a list of your values. Values are not just thoughts and feelings; they are behaviors. We act out and respond to critical and valuable things.
Your values will align with what matters to you and what doesn’t. Why would you feel obligated to go to a party if you generally don’t like socializing?
You need to say something if you don’t like people just popping by your house unannounced. Remember, you’re not responsible for other people’s emotions.
Abandoning yourself and your need to be everything to everyone else is not what you want to do.
However, do your best to be compassionate with others when setting your personal boundaries. Sometimes, people need your help, and sometimes, you can’t oblige them. If you were in their shoes, wouldn’t you want to be rejected as compassionately as possible?
On the other hand, some people don’t understand that you are not interested in being their “go-to” person whenever challenges arise.
I’ve had many people like this in my life, and as much as I believe we should help each other, I don’t want to be considered anyone’s “go-to” person when they need help.
Boundaries equal respect; people must respect you more than they like or love you. The kiss of death to any relationship is when consideration is not first. You get the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
We all have that neighbor, spouse, coworker, relative, or boss who always wants something from us. These people are draining and don’t understand the damage they cause you by constantly invading your parameters with their requests.
Preserving your energy is more important than anything else. These “needy types” are the first ones you have to set boundaries with. It may be challenging to say no to them; they will probably get mad and cause a stir. Let them.
When setting personal boundaries, you don’t have to become Dr. No to everyone. If someone in your life seldom asks for a favor, it’s okay to oblige them. It’s even better to call on them when you need help.
- Figure out what your perimeters are –know your values.
- Be consistent with enforcing them.
- Forgive yourself and be patient when you aren’t consistently enforcing them.
- Be patient with others, too.
- Cut out or reduce contact with consistent boundary violators.
- Understand your boundaries will change over time
Get To Know Your Limits
Boundaries differentiate one person from another. We’ll likely become entangled with others when we don’t have limits. We lose our sense of self with poor personal limits.
Setting boundaries is a form of self-discipline. It’s about taking care of you. Doing this creates better relationships, self-esteem, and more time doing what you love.
Due to codependency or childhood trauma, many people don’t know themselves. You’ve probably spent most of your life tending to other people’s needs, and you don’t know where others end, so you begin.
A year ago, I began a meditation practice where I closed my eyes and focused on the spot between my eyebrows. I give my attention to my body and not anything else. This is all done through sensing, allowing you to be fully aware inside your body.
Whatever you choose to do to be more present and aware, make sure you make it a part of your daily routine.
Conclusion
Remember, healthy boundaries are not selfish; they’re essential. They protect your precious energy, allowing you to show up fully and authentically in your relationships, career, and personal life. If you see these warning signs, mending your leaky bucket is time.
Start small, say no more often, prioritize your needs, and communicate your boundaries with clarity and respect. It’s not always easy, but the rewards of a well-protected bucket are immense: a life filled with balance, vitality, and fulfilling connections.
So, take a deep breath, assess your boundaries, and start patching those leaks. Your well-being deserves it. Thanks for reading my article about signs you have poor personal boundaries.
>>>Read Next: Vulnerable In Relationships.