Stability vs Intimacy in Relationships
This is a guest post by Dawn Novonty from thefaceswelive.com
I recently wrote a guest blog for Positive spin. The name of my post was Relationships: Are You Happy With Stability or Would You Prefer Intimacy?
image: (photostock)/freedigitalphotos.
Nearly all the responses to the above-mentioned post landed on the side of intimacy.
Only one person opted for stability, which really got me thinking. Most of us say that we want intimacy over stability but as I think about it, I am not sure intimacy is really possible without stability.
First and foremost, before one can go ahead with intimacy one needs to feel safe in their relationships. So here is some relationship advice.
Speaking for myself, if I do not feel safe with you (emotionally, physically, psychologically) there is no way I am going for a deeper heart connection.
So I’m rethinking my original question: Are you happy with stability or would you prefer intimacy? My answer is stability first then working toward increasing levels of intimacy.
The truth is, I want both, at least in my primary love relationship. Other relationships such as friends and family members are not as important to me.
First let me define what I mean when I speak of intimacy. I am definitely not talking about sex. Although sex can certainly be a part of intimacy, I am referring to heart to heart intimacy. The kind of intimacy where I can tell you the truth about who I am even if you disagree or judge me.
It is not our partner’s job to validate our thoughts, beliefs, values and emotions. If we are waiting for that to happen or believe that we can’t be authentic until our partner validates or agrees with us, then we are emotionally immature and thwarting deeper connections.
Sure it feels good when someone validates us but that cannot be the only time or the only for reason self-disclosure or emotional honesty. Think about it.
Do I accommodate my partner (friend/parent) to avoid conflict until I gradually become weary of trying to get my wants and needs met?
Do I alter, bend, comply, placate, to avoid conflict with a loved one?
If the above questions strike a chord with you, then I ask you, could you be the weak link in the intimacy chain?
Perhaps you need to learn how to self-validate versus seeking validation from your partner. When we are too reliant on our partners for validation we become overly dependent, which makes us less willing to risk their anger or other negative reactions.
Their reaction may cause a type of feedback loop effect that leads us to emotionally withdraw (sometimes physically), become angry, or fantasize about leaving the relationship because we feel so misunderstood.
As a couples therapist by profession, I have asked this question dozens of times: “Why didn’t you tell him/her that you felt that way?” Invariably the response is, “Are you kidding? He (or she) would get mad at me.”
I say, “Ok, let me get this straight, you are being emotionally dishonest in the relationship in order to control your partner’s responses?”
I then ask, “How satisfying is your relationship?” Usually the person says something like, “My relationship is boring, unsatisfying.
I don’t feel seen or understood and lately, I am thinking about an affair. We just can’t communicate. People who are in love know how to communicate automatically right?” WOW!
I would argue that to the degree that we are trying to manage our anxiety level by stuffing our feelings or whatever the “truth” is for us; to that degree we are contributing to the lack of intimacy in our relationship/s.
Yes, you may have quiet, peaceful evenings together but passion is usually killed off over months, or years, of withholding your truth and stuffing your feelings. A million small relationship murders committed along the way in the name of peace.
Stable relationships are priceless. Stable relationships PLUS intimate relationships take hard work and practice. So if you are going for both (stable and intimate) don’t blame your partner for what’s lacking until you have honestly looked at your own level of emotional honesty.
Dawn DeLisa Novotny MSW, LCSW, MTS, CDP, CP, Is a clinician, teacher, author, spiritual director and national workshop leader. Be sure to visit Dawn’s blog at TheFacesWeLive.com.
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Category: Personal/ Spiritual Growth
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I have to say that you are spot on. Without stability you really can't have the kind of intimacy you are talking about.
I have been married for over twenty years and my marriage is now at its most stable and its most intimate.
Thanks Nabil, Can't agree with you more. looking forward to popping over to your blog site. Thanks,dawn
Dawn this is an amazing post...
On the part about seeking validation: Partners respect each other when they are living their purpose and mission in life..When you are living a fulfilling lifestyle, you partner will have more respect for you and it will keep the intimacy and attraction level high (this means that one won't seek validation from the other)..
Thanks for sharing..
Cheers,
Nabil
Thanks for your stimulating and of course thought provoking question. And judging from the comments is really is generating some interesting comments. First let me say I am not surprise that most of the responses from your original article were on the side of intimacy because research has shown that the balance is heavily stack on intimacy when it relates to relationship. No wander the divorce rate stands at 50% in the USA and 48% in Canada, - that is every other marriage/relationship has failed. I am glad you define your meaning of intimacy.
From my experience, and I have 26+ years in this field, stability should be the back bone of any relationship but it can only come if there is full trust between each person and good communication, in addition each person must understand they role in the relationship, but that’s another subject for another time. Great post thanks for sharing it.
Hi Linda,
Oh my God! I can't believe that two weeks have past and I just now saw your response. I am embarrassed to say that I am unaccustomed to having people respond on my blog so I didn't think to check Justin's blog where he graciously allowed me to guest post. Speaking of all things weird, when I started my post in July, I could barley navigate around FaceBook. With social media, I feel as I have entered some strange new land of different customs and languages. I will be attending The Internal Family System conference in Boston (which is the back-story for my entire blog, regardless of my topic) and I will be toting "Twitter and FaceBook for Dummies". I have been pleasantly surprised and quite validated on Justin's blog by everyone's generous and encouraging comments. Not even sure if you will see this response.
Justin speaks often of like attracting like. I am amazed that with all of the blogs that I could have landed on I end up choosing two, His and yours (Positive Spin) which directed me to him in the first place. Thank you again Linda.
With gratitude, dawn
Congratulations Dawn, on this successful post. Just goes to show, suprising things happen when you're feeling a bit blue! You should feel proud and validated today!
Hi Dawn,
We all need to feel stable in our relationships. It is a matter of feeling safe. When we feel safe we can be the person that we are meant to be. Our authentic self. And with that the intimacy does follow.
It is true that both are needed for a very strong relationships, one that will survive what ever life may hand it.
Great post Dawn and thank you
Debbie
Hi marc,
Thanks for the lengthy reply. It takes time to respond to a post so I am most appreciative.
I am always amazed at how secretive individuals are about their past mistakes and/or personal beliefs. These same people then complain about the lack of intimacy in the relationship. How in the world do people get to truly know us if we do not take the risk to open ourselves up to whatever are truth is. Do we need to do that on the first date? Of course not. But I know couples that never open up because they resist the possibility of conflict. We get what we give.
Thanks again for commenting. Dawn
Great post, Dawn.
I cannot agree more. In a loving relationship there is a need for a balance of both support and challenge of our values. This implies there is need for a balance of both stability and intimacy. Without the support of the stability the challenge to be intimate becomes very high.
In every beginning of a new relationship, we experience this. At that moment, it can be a real challenge to be open to somebody new, but we take the risk as a part of the process to learn each other. It is only at the moment the relationship gets more stability, opening up is more easy and real intimacy can be born.
If the relationship gets more stable, we can make the mistake that we don't have to challenge our partner anymore to avoid conflicts. Avoiding this conflict can break the intimacy and at the same time the subtle balance with the stability.
Without this balance, the true love in the relationship gone too.
Thanks for this inspiration!
This is such a great post, Dawn. I used to conduct marriage/relationship workshops and one of the first things we started with as a "given" was the idea of security--physical, emotional and psychological. Without security, there is little foundation to build a healthy relationship.
Great post!
Hi Steve,
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I am brand new at guest blogging so feeling a bit unsure of how to present material. I do however, work with a lot of couples.
Thanks again, dawn
very nice one Dawn
relationships that lack intimacy are doomed to fail
such posts are a great reminder of the importance of intimacy
Hi Dawn and Justin,
I think the link between stability and intimacy is unbreakable. The former leads to the latter. Never the other way round. I have struggled with this with my wife, but I think things have kind of settled down and we know our place to achieve both in our lives.
Communication again is key but it is also skill that can be practiced. Not that I am perfect at this yet, but I am working on it.
And generally, I think everyone here is right about self love and self validation first before we can offer ourselves to our partner. To me, someone who needs validation from their partner is not a confident person. Invariably this will take its toll on their lives.
BTW, Justin, I thought you should know that you have been mentioned quite a bit in my latest post where I interview Fred Tracy. Do pop by and take a look. Dawn, please drop by as well. Fred did a great piece. I would urge you to send your readers to check it out as well.
Cheers
Hi Jimmy,
It is always nice to get a few atta boys/girls. We all need to feel appreciated AND you are so right on regarding self confidence. If we look to our partners to always validate us, both of us are ultimately disappointed. When we try to derive all of our needs from someone or something, we force that person or thing into the position of idol or hero. Ultimately no person or thing (job, person, child, project, relationship, etc.) is capable of such demands. The expectations are too much and the one thrust into this position begins to wither under such pressure. Hence, both parties are disappointed and begin to withdraw from one another. Small murders committed by unrealistic expectations.
Warm Regards, Dawn
I am curious as to why you picked stability and intimacy to be the 2 things to go head to head, why not stability and excitement or 2 other things that clash?
Hi Lessa,
What a great question. I chose stability and intimacy because so often I see couples that have been together 20, 30 ,40 years and are dying while they are living. They have extremely stable relationships but little if any intimacy. What they have is, "peace at any price". The price being a large part of them that feels trapped, unfulfilled, bored, etc. But because of values, religious beliefs, children, finances, etc. they feel stuck, powerless to make changes in their lives. Because most individuals are CERTAIN that it is their partners fault, they chose resignation over articulating their wants and needs. They think it is their partner who will not/cannot communicate with them. Or, God forbid, their partner might get angry. Passion, passion you ask? There can be no (ok, very little) passion without truth telling which often gets intense, even angry. But so what? Peace at any price or intimacy by engaging in difficult and truthful conversations. Stability or intimacy?
Thanks for commenting. Dawn
Hi Dawn and Justin,
We need both stability and intimacy in a relationship. Relationships need nurturing on a daily basis. We need to have stability and intimacy for the relationship to grow and last. The good thing to realize is we can have both. ;) Thanks for sharing
Hi Dia,
"Relationships need nurturing on a daily basis." Such a true statement. I have often wondered why we seem to take better care of our gardens or our cars than our relationships. Imagine the beauty we could create if we tended, even just a tiny bit, every day to our relationships?
Dawn
Hi, Dawn!
I have to agree with you on this-stability is the primary thing in a relationship, or as you would say, it is priceless. Only then comes intimacy. Without stability, one cannot feel intimate with the partner. Only intimacy would mean passion without stable grounds, and that sort of relationships cannot last for long.
Hi Kristina,
I must confess, I have had the kinds of relationships to which you refer, ones without stable grounds. I was once asked why I got into the helping profession, to which I responded, "Because I was really sick." That made some of the other professionals angry. I truly believe that we teach that which we most need to learn.
Now that I have learned these lessons fairly well in the winter of my life, I choose to give them away.
Blessings, Dawn
Interesting topic here today. I think a happy relationship is based on the stability of acceptance. There is no better way to work on differences than to begin by ACCEPTING the differences without judgment or ridicule. The one way to invite real LOVE into your life is to stop inviting the artificial love of the ego. In the dimension of relationships, egotism is an enemy who pretends to be a friend.
Interesting post. I thought you meant sex at first by intimacy, which led me on a whole nother train of thought!
As far as which one I would prefer, I don't really know. It depends on what exactly you mean by stability.
I'm guessing I'd choose stability though. I'm not that emotionally open by nature. But I suppose that makes me a minority?
I couldn't agree more with Dawn. If your relationship is missing intimacy, start looking at yourself. No one can validate you enough to make you feel valid and no one can love you enough to make you feel loved. It sounds so cliche, but we really do have to love ourselves first.
I also agree with Lindsay - when we feel secure in our own skin, we don't need security to have intimate connections. I've experienced that on numerous occasions (I'm not saying that I'm 100% secure, but I've had glimpses of what that feels like and I'm getting closer and closer). When you don't need the other person to validate you at all, and don't care what they think, you can open yourself up to who they really are and experience the deep connection, regardless of whether they do, or not. It's a beautiful thing. Suddenly the world is full of love and no one but you had to do anything to change that. :)
Thanks for sharing Dawn with us, Jason!
Hugs!
Melody
Hi Melody,
During the last thirty years, my primary spiritual teacher has been Joel Goldsmith (The Infinite Way). He died in the 60's which is beside the point. I was struck by your words ""...you can open yourself up to who they really are and experience the deep connection..." Goldsmith would say that love does not come from outside in but rather from inside out. If one is lonely, become a companion to the lonely, if one wants love, become loving to someone. Always, what we most want must come forth from inside us manifesting outward. Arduous but awesome lesson to learn.
Hugs back to you. Dawn
I actually think you can have intimate moments with people you've just met - a stranger on the street who needs help and you offer/give it. When they hold your hand or you lock eyes as they thank you, for example. A baby just born...one can have an intimate moment with a newborn they are holding for the first time and falling in love.
I agree with the author that stability doesn't necessarily = intimacy and vice versa. And having both in a romantic relationship is a LOT of work.
Hi Lindsay,
I totally agree with you about intimate moments with people you've just met. I am currently writing a blog series on my experience with cancer seven years ago. Tuesday's post tells just that kind of story. Please check it out at, www.thefaceswelive.com
Kind regards, dawn
